Category: Parenting

It can be frustrating to look at your teen and see all their potential stuck behind an unmotivated exterior. You’re positive that if they just applied themselves more, they’d have the world wrapped around their finger.

The hard thing is that we all see the world differently, so as teenagers come into their own sense of self, they start redefining their priorities. It might be time for a check-in to see just what your teen needs to get that pep back in their step.

Before Anything, Consider Their Independence

Remember, the older your kid gets, the more independence they will crave, earn, and implement. Teenagers rely on their parents for far less than they did as children, and for the first time, they may like feeling in full control of themselves.

Just because your teen isn’t motivated to do what you want them to do, doesn’t mean they’re not motivated to do anything. They could be motivated to resist you—and if they are, it sounds like it’s working!

Instead of disrespecting their independence by running a house based on demands and shame, try to get into their head to understand how they uniquely self-motivate.

Reward the Good More Than You Criticize the Bad

Maybe you care about your teen doing well in school so they can consider college down the road, but they don’t. Ask yourself (or them): What do they care about?

If they have a favorite band, maybe you can look up tour dates and barter tickets in exchange for them turning in 80% of their homework this semester. Maybe every time they get a B or higher on a test, you buy them a new video game or take them out for their favorite dinner. Show them it’s something worth celebrating by literally celebrating it in a meaningful way.

Be thoughtful and consistent about how you dole out consequences.

Maybe on the days they forget to do their chores, they don’t get social time with friends or their phone for the night. You can even let them experience consequences that come naturally—for example, if they don’t do their laundry, they go to school in wrinkled clothes. Some teens respond better to more logical consequences like these.

Avoid Thinking of Them as “Lazy”

“Lazy” is a myth.

The relief of overcoming a challenge or the joy of accomplishing a goal is a uniquely human experience. We all crave it, we just all have different definitions of personal challenges and goals.

Labeling your teen as inherently “lazy” will only lead to them becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. They will minimize darker emotions as carelessness and exhaustion as indifference. Get to the root of what’s getting in your teen’s way—because it is not a personality flaw.

Give Them Space to Have Bad Days

Sometimes, we as parents only give our children two options:

1. Try and fail.
2. Try, succeed, then desperately work to succeed again.

It puts teenagers between a rock and a hard place, so sometimes they choose to opt out entirely and not try. They may crave their own betterment, but fear the pain of finding out they can’t have it. As a result, they avoid the process altogether.

Show them a little empathy.

Consider saying, “You’ve seemed pretty down lately. I know you’re not a lazy person, so I’m guessing something must’ve happened. I’m here to talk through it with you if you need to get out of your head.”

They may immediately break down crying or they may roll their eyes and say you’re crazy… Then they may come back two days later after all the stress caught up to them and they could identify it themselves.

Life gets all of us down sometimes. To make sure your teen has someone to talk to about it, consider having them work with a counselor like myself.

Schedule their first appointment today.

You’re finally free from the pain of disappearing date nights. Free from the exhaustion of climbing into bed after an argument. Free from the ex who weighed you down more than they lifted you up.

While you can enjoy the weightlessness of no longer loving them, you still have a responsibility to co-parent with them. Co-parenting isn’t a new concept, as the US has a 50% divorce rate. (41% for first-time marriages.)

Do it well by learning five tips from a therapist on successful co-parenting.

1. Treat your partner with respect.

Whether you’re speaking directly to them or speaking about them to your child, show your partner respect. (And ask that they do the same for you!)

Avoid bad-mouthing each other in front of your child, and teach your child that you don’t want to hear it, either. It might be funny when they first roast your ex, but encouraging them will only hurt your child in the long run. It deters them from building a healthy relationship with half of the most important support system they have.

Instead, speak on your partner’s strengths whenever you have the opportunity. Studies show that exhibiting gratitude daily improves our overall wellbeing, and it can help you have more positive interactions together.

For example, if you can’t help your child with their homework, admit to them, “I know, I’m not the best at explaining things. Mommy’s great at this stuff!”

2. Work to agree on a consistent routine.

Establishing a predictable routine for ourselves is one of the biggest things we can do for our mental health. For kids, it’s imperative as they’re still developing their sense of self-esteem. Knowing what the “next move” is makes kids feel safe and secure at home.

Work to agree with your partner on things like meal times, bed times, household responsibilities, and behavioral expectations. That way, both houses can feel like one consistent home.

3. Keep your child in focus, not your ex.

By focusing on the healthy development of your child, you should naturally want to stick to routine and rules decided by both parents. If you’re trying to stick it to your ex or “win” at being the favorite parent, you may ease up on these rules.

If you enter the day feeling insecure about your parent-child relationship, you may choose to see a new movie instead of working on homework together. This threatens your child’s routine and adds friction to an already stressful relationship with your ex.

Exposing children to parental conflict introduces feelings of vulnerability, as if their whole family system will break down and leave them behind. Don’t be the reason your child struggles to feel confident in their own skin.

4. Deal with parental guilt and frustration outside of the home.

Feeling like you’re missing out on your child’s life is disheartening, but try not to act on feelings of guilt. Children already struggle with impulse control, so if you overspend to give them quick spurts of excitement, it will bite back as an overgrown ego in your child and a lack of empathy for others.

Instead, allow yourself to be boring around your kid. Let them have perfectly ordinary days at home with their perfectly ordinary parents.

5. Keep an open dialogue.

Whether it’s face-to-face, over text, or through an online scheduling service, keep your ex updated about what’s going on. (Don’t make your child “pass notes” to the other parent.)

If it helps, start viewing your ex as a coworker. Communicate with them in professional and emotionally neutral or pleasant ways.

Instead of pointing fingers, stick to “I” statements when your ex’s behavior becomes bothersome. “I noticed Jack was more aggressive than usual when he came home this week. What kinds of stress-relieving activities should we teach him?”

Still, communicating regularly with someone who has broken your trust can be stressful. Instead of taking it out on them—or worse, you kid—work with a therapist.

Schedule your first appointment today.

As parents, we want to set our kids up for a lifetime of success. The job gets tricky when they turn 18, become independent, and start making decisions that have long-term consequences for the first time.

Even though they are legally adults, their prefrontal cortex will not fully develop until age 25. This means teens are more likely to make emotionally backed decisions instead of rationally backed ones. They may only decide to go to college because “everyone else is doing it”, or they may push back because the idea of sitting in a classroom for another four years feels torturous.

While college can be a life-changing experience for many, those changes are not always good. That is why it is important to consider the benefits of waiting before you push your child down the college route.

The Argument for a Gap Year

Taking a gap year between high school and college gives students the chance to recover from burnout and learn who they are outside of the classroom. (Especially for students who took AP and honors courses.) For non-academically motivated students, a year of work allows them to build confidence and better reputations with their supervisors than they did with their teachers.

Many educators agree that students who take a year off come back feeling refreshed and matured, with a clearer vision of their future than before. Of course, this all depends on how valuable their gap year was.

To gain critical “real world” experience, young adults should travel, work a job that interests them, or volunteer somewhere inspiring.

How to Know If It Is a Good Idea to Wait

If your child’s SAT/ACT score is significantly higher than their grades, that could be a sign they are intellectually capable enough, but not disciplined enough, to take college seriously. That is okay! Some people are simply not classroom-motivated.

Let them have a year off to find work that inspires them. That way, when they go to college, they go to develop the skills they are genuinely passionate about.

Just like how someone can underutilize a gap year, they can also underutilize one year in college. (And college costs significantly more than taking a year off.) Building your GPA back up after one year is tough, especially if you are looking to transfer or apply to a program that requires a good GPA.

For some people, it is better to lower the stakes as you go—work, go to community college, then transfer to a four-year university. For some students, starting with a four-year university provides a lot of unnecessary pressure and anxiety that can affect their performance and confidence.

If all they face in school is disappointment, they may not make the best use of their newfound independence. This can lead to serious depression, coping with alcohol and drugs, skipping classes, or flunking out.

The Risks of Waiting to Go to College

If your child chooses to work after graduation, they risk the chance of putting off college so long that they never actually go.

Studies show they could miss out on as much as $800,000 over the course of their lives compared to the salaries of college grads. (However, some 18-year-olds might prefer avoiding student loan debt while they are young and still learning financial literacy.)

College today has become sort of a cultural expectation for young adults. As parents, you want to help your child decide what is best for their individual future. That means making yourself a safe space for them to open up, discuss long-term consequences of their actions, and move forward with confidence.

What is the best way to do this? Therapy! I am happy to work with you and your child so they have the tools they need to make big decisions like these with confidence. Ready to get started? Schedule an appointment with us today.

It can be scary to see your kid turn into someone quieter or more agitated than they used to be. You can do all the right things as a parent and your child can still struggle with their mental health. (Especially when living through a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic.)

According to Mental Health America, in March 2020, a whopping 83% of teens aged 11 to 17 years old tested positive or at-risk for anxiety. Even more—91%—tested positive or at-risk for depression.

While these stats are from when the pandemic started, it’s safe to assume a lot of these students are still facing the same issues. Here are 4 signs your teen may be struggling with their mental health.

1. Their mood is frequently agitated, angry, or somber.

Depression shows in different ways for different people. For some, it appears as excessive crying because of intense feelings of hopelessness. For others, it appears as a hot temper or constant irritability.

Remember that depression pairs with feelings of worthlessness, so be gentle with advice and criticism for your teen at this time. Depressed teens can be extremely sensitive to being told they failed in some way, especially those who tend to overachieve in school.

Your teen may also make comments ridiculing their own intelligence or appearance, signaling their struggle with low self-esteem, a common symptom of depression.

2. They lost interest in previously adored activities.

If your teen plays sports or practices a skill, pay attention to how much enjoyment they’re deriving from it now. Maybe they used to jog lightly on the field before, but now they can only manage to stand and stare, waiting for the ball. Or the sound of music would constantly drift from their bedroom, but now the house has become eerily silent.

If your teen is withdrawing from activities and friends to spend more time alone than they were before, they could be struggling with depression. When isolated, the easiest way for them to worsen their depression is becoming addicted to their phone.

While the online world may feel like an escape from their problems, research shows that excessive smartphone and internet use increases feelings of isolation, leading to more depression.

3. Their sleeping and eating patterns have suddenly changed.

Has your teen been more difficult to wake up in the mornings than usual? Do you hear them running downstairs for a snack at 2 a.m.? Feeling a desire to sleep significantly more or less is a symptom of depression, as it warps our levels of melatonin, the sleep hormone.

They may also experience changes in diet, choosing to binge eat high-fat foods or losing their appetite completely. This could relate to their loss of interest in things that used to bring them joy, or it could be because unexplained nausea or stomach pain is deterring them from eating.

4. They engage in risky behaviors.

High-risk behaviors are heavily correlated with depression for a couple reasons. One, people with depression tend to value their lives less, and two, they’re desperate to cope with the pain.

Some people prefer to numb out thoughts of anger and shame with drugs and alcohol. Others feel they aren’t worthy of happiness or good health, so they choose to self-harm as a cry for help. Some turn to unprotected sex as a means of distraction, neglecting to consider STDs or possible pregnancies before jumping into it. And if your teen is old enough to drive, they might consider racing down side roads recklessly for an adrenaline boost.

It’s important to have open, empathetic conversations with your children about their mental health.

If you’ve been noticing any of these symptoms or cries for help, call our office to schedule an appointment today. Because no one is too young to prioritize their mental health.

Babies can be stressful. They’ll pull at your heartstrings in ways you’ve never felt before and introduce you to a new meaning of life itself. At the same, you could probably use another hour of sleep today. (Or two.)

Suddenly your attention diverts to this tiny, screaming bundle of joy. Sometimes it feels like you only have energy left to scream yourself.

Don’t panic—eventually your baby bird will grow wings of its own and require less constant attention, but until then, it takes hard work and intention from both partners to keep that nest full of love and support.

Let’s talk about how new parents can cope with the stress babies bring to partnerships.

Choosing Each Other 

What used to be romantic compliments in passing now sound more like reminders and demands. When 90% of your conversation becomes dominated by transactional statements, you start seeing your partner as a cog in the family machine instead of the person you fell in love with.

Newborns are demanding. Without time and energy on your side, how can you put any work into the relationship?

After the first six weeks with your child, give yourself permission to check in with your partner. Spending time together however you can will go a long way. It doesn’t have to be a fabulous steak dinner; it can be as simple as solving a crossword puzzle together or watching a TV show after the baby is asleep. Eat breakfast or dinner together or share a short walk around the block.

Prioritize each other with intention.

Finding Excitement in the Little Things 

It’s totally okay (and almost necessary, even) to mourn the loss of who you were before the baby arrived.

Some couples experience this fear that their relationship isn’t what they thought it was without the adventure and fun of pre-baby life. That’s not true.

You can keep the fun in your relationship by choosing small, manageable tactics. Try new takeout options for dinner or rent a movie from home with fresh microwaved popcorn.

The exciting outings you enjoyed before now require more work and less spontaneity. You need a stroller, extra diapers, bottles, toys to calm your baby—the list goes on. Sometimes it helps to acknowledge the truth: you’re an adult with a long list of responsibilities, and that requires some planning.

You and your partner are two adults who chose each other to make life more beautiful. Continue to choose each other by making space, keeping a strict schedule, and connecting in simple, creative ways.

Change What You Can, Accept What You Can’t

You’re at the very beginning of your parenting journey together, and there’s going to be disagreements along the way. Remember that you’re co-parenting, so let your partner parent.

If your partner enjoys playing with the baby while changing their diaper, let them. Maybe you think it’s a waste of time and it would be more efficient to change it quickly and get on with it, but it’s best not to micromanage when your partner is appropriately carrying their weight.

When things come up that you simply can’t stand, bring it up and compromise. But when you feel the need to course-correct, pause and ask yourself, “How big of a difference would it actually make if I say this right now?” If the difference is small, let it go. If it’s big, discuss with your partner.

Sometimes you’ll agree to disagree, sometimes you’ll find harmonious compromise, and sometimes you’ll pick one person’s idea over the other’s. Be prepared for anything and stay open-minded. Remember, you’re on the same team.

If the light at the end of the newborn baby tunnel seems farther away than you’d like, consider seeking professional help with one of our couples counselors. We can create a game plan that works for your family.

By Ellie Messinger-Adams

When we hear the word betrayal we typically think of relationships and the betrayal of someone we love. Betrayal, however, is not that limited. For many women who are pregnant or hoping to become pregnant, betrayal is personal. When our experiences do not line up with the ones we dreamed up and our body does not do things the way “everyone else’s” does we feel betrayed by ourselves, our bodies, our expectations, and our spirit. When this happens it is important to remember that you are not alone, many women before you, now and in the future have and will experience this pain. The question is how do we manage it?

Pregnancy is not always butterflies and lollipops. It is real, it is hard and it brings up so many emotions that we never thought we had. 

1. Name it: This might sound crazy, but one of the first things that can help us when we feel pain is to name what it is. When we can recognize that we feel betrayed by ourselves we can begin to discover what we need to move forward. It helps us begin to get unstuck. Words that might show up for you: betrayal, grief, loss, disappointment, anger, sadness and so much more.

2. Grieve the losses: The betrayal of our bodies leaves us with feelings of loss. Before we are able to move on we have to recognize what we have lost and take time to grief those things. It is ok to cry, scream, and … this is normal

3. Reconnect with your body: After we take time to grieve we MUST reconnect. Honor your body and what it did, does, and can do. Use mindfulness, yoga, exercise, meditation, or other practice to take time with yourself and for yourself.

4. Talk about it: When we feel betrayed by our bodies it is natural to feel shame and want to run and hide from all the people we love hoping that they will not see “the real you”. When we talk about it and get our story out there, however, we get to normalize it, we get to be vulnerable and grow from our pain. What might surprise you is that when you talk with your partner, family, friends, or even colleagues you are likely to find another woman you know well who went or is going through these same things. 

5. Find a community of other women: Mom’s need moms.  Finding a group of supportive, nurturing women who just know what motherhood is like can make all the difference.  Having someone who understands what it’s like to be exhausted, how frustrating it is to deal with toddler tantrums, and laugh with you when faced with yet another diaper mishap can be a life-saver for many mothers.  

If this is you and you are struggling to work through your personal betrayal, it is also important to know when to get help. You do not have to do it alone. Counseling can be a great way to help you begin to move forward again. We are here to help. 

Sources:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-you-feel-like-your-body-has-betrayed-you/