6 Tips For Couples Who Are Looking to Improve Their Connection

By Jeni Woodfin, LMFT

As a couples therapist, one of the biggest pieces of advice I would give any couple, happy or unhappy, is to tend to your relationship.  Relationships are very similar to living beings, they need care and comfort to thrive.  When each partner dedicates their time and effort into making small gestures, it can increase the relationship satisfaction tenfold.  

 

Many couples come to couples counseling looking for action items.  Things they can DO to change the atmosphere of their relationship.  Here are 6 tips for couples who are looking to improve their connection.

 

  • Express appreciation.  Sharing your observation with your partner that you see their positive actions is equivalent to giving your partner a little shot of ‘go-juice’ when it comes to continuing the positive behavior.  And people who feel appreciated tend to share an appreciation for others.  It’s a win-win.  

  • Make the most of the comings and goings.  Some couples overlook the little moments of saying hello and waving goodbye and, in reality, these are some of the most important little moments in a relationship.  Making sure to give a kiss or touch hello and goodbye, making eye contact with each other, sharing a smile, these all communicate ‘you are important to me and I am valuing our time together’.  

  • If you do find yourselves in conflict, sometimes it’s better to call for a time-out than continue to escalate.  When recognizing the need for a break is there, created a structured time out instead of just leaving.  To do this, announce the need for a break, “I’m getting escalated, I need a time out” then let your partner know you’re coming back.  State the importance of the conversation and the desire to come together again.  “Our conversation is important to me, but I’m getting too upset to think.  I’m going to take a break for one hour then I’d like for us to meet back here and continue talking”. 

  • Schedule sex.  This tip does not sound sexy, but it’s vital.  Some couples have made the decision to wait until they are both, simultaneously in the mood for sex and they end up having less sex than they’d like.  With scheduling sex, you don’t have to show up ready to go, but rather show up with an openness and willingness to try.  It’s very similar to that feeling before you go to the gym, you may not want to go beforehand but as soon as you finish your workout you feel great, energized, proud.  This is the same thing with sex.  

  • Communicate throughout the day.  By sending your partner a quick text, meme, or call, you’re communicating ‘you’re on my mind’.  This is a quick easy way to give your partner a quick connection point during a busy day.  

  • Try something new together.  Engaging in a new-to-both-of-you activity allows you to experience yourself and your partner under stress.  This may not sound like a fun idea, but you’re creating a stressful environment so you can bond in the stress.  People under stress tend to come together, so explore some lighthearted-stressful activities together.  

Without intentionally putting energy into your relationship, it can become stagnate, unfulfilling, and unsatisfying.  When you each decide to be intentional about your relationship, by creating it together instead of letting it happen by itself, you decide what type of relationship works best for each of you.  It shows you respect yourself, your partner, and the experience you’re sharing together.  

If you’re ready to work towards a more secure connection, give us a call today. We’re happy to guide you towards a healthier relationship.

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5 Signs You Aren’t Practicing Self-Care

Self-care is complex. Anyone can tell you to do it, but only you can bestow the gift of self-care onto yourself. But before you can begin bestowing, you’ve got to first recognize that you are worthy of caring for yourself as you do others.

How do you do this? By noticing the ways in which you are currently not taking very good care of yourself.

Here are 5 signs you aren’t practicing self-care. If any seem familiar, it is time to make more time for yourself:

1. You Get Sick More Often

When we don’t take proper care of ourselves, our health takes a big hit. Lack of proper sleep and nutrition can lead to a taxed immune system, which in turn makes you vulnerable to infections, colds, flu, and other immune-related medical problems.

2. Increased Moodiness

What happens when a child does not get the care and attention they deserve? They begin to act out in order to get any attention. In much the same way, a lack of self-care and feeling of unimportance can lead to increased irritability. Leaving this unchecked can result in personal and professional relationships being negatively affected.

3. Unpleasant Physical Symptoms

What can start out as unpleasant (and even scary) physical symptoms, can be a sign of poor self-care. Symptoms may include dizziness, shortness of breath, chest pains, heart palpitations, abdominal pain, headaches, and fainting spells. All of these symptoms should be checked out by your healthcare provider immediately.

4. A Feeling of Isolation

When you feel you don’t deserve to care for yourself, you naturally feel unworthy of enjoying other aspects of life, like socializing and a true connection to friends and family. This can lead to a detachment of others and a sense of isolation.

5. Depression

Feelings of worthlessness can snowball into feelings of hopelessness and depression. If you have noticed yourself slipping farther and farther into a depression, it is important that you seek help from a mental health professional. They can help you recognize where the darkness has come from, and how to break through back into the light.

If you or a loved one is experiencing depression, or would simply like some help practicing self-care, please be in touch with me. I would be more than happy to speak with you about how I may be able to help.

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5 Tips for Making Friends in Midlife

For many people, middle-age is the catalyst to take stock of life. The kids have flown the coop and there’s more time to reconsider your likes, dislikes, goal, and dreams.

Middle age is also the time we tend to look around at our social circles. Are our friendships still there? Have we lost friends due to illness, a move, or a divorce? Do we want something different out of our friendships? As we age, we tend to have less tolerance or energy for fluff friendships. We want substance and real, genuine connections.

But making friends when you’re older is not always that easy. It was simple in school or during those early days in our first job – you saw the same people every single day. You were surrounded by friend candidates. But once you hit middle age, it becomes more difficult to meet new people.

The good news is, while challenging, it’s very possible to make new and lasting friendships. Here are some tips to help you make new friends in midlife:

1. Don’t Feel Embarrassed
There is no reason to feel embarrassed about being lonely or friendless. It is far more common than we are led to believe from the media. So, don’t feel bad, and get ready to put yourself out there.

2. Volunteer
Volunteering is a great way to meet new people who share your values. As an added bonus, studies have shown that people who volunteer are healthier and live longer!

3. Take a Class
Do you have a passion for dance? Painting? Photography? Taking a class is a great way to learn more about something you already love, be engaged, keep your brain young, and meet people with similar interests and hobbies.

4. Reach Out to Acquaintances
How many times have you run into someone you “sort of know” at a work function or at your local Starbucks? Every time you have a conversation with this person you think, “Gee, I wish we were friends.”

The next time you see this person, ask if they’d like to have lunch. Get their contact information and follow up. You never know, it could be the start of something worthwhile.

5. Get into the Habit of Being Social
By midlife, we’ve gotten into some pretty significant habits. Some good…some not so good. If you’ve never been a social butterfly – but instead someone who is used to staying home with the kids or simply staying in because it’s easier – putting yourself out there will probably feel weird. However, it’s important to try to be social daily. This could mean simply taking a walk around your city or neighborhood and saying hello to friendly faces or calling up an acquaintance for a chat.

Good relationships are important for our overall health and the quality of our lives. While it may seem intimidating to build new friendships in midlife, these can actually be some of the most lasting and profound connections we end up making.

 

Do you believe you lack social connections because of fear, grief, or low self-esteem? If you’d like to explore therapy, please get in touch. I’d be more than happy to talk about how I may help.

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